We know it’s a political hot button issue these days, but we’re just going to say it.
We’re down with masks. Or is it up with masks? We definitely think masks should be up, covering all the important facial spaces. Medical masks! Homemade masks! Mass-produced three-ply cotton masks with adjustable ear loops! We love them all.
Surely that gorilla mask you wear every year is COVID-proof! Not necessarily, according to the federal CDC. So what’s a Halloween-loving primate to do?
Well, first, don’t wear a cloth mask under your costume mask. Depending on the Halloween mask, it could make it difficult to breathe. Also, you’ll just ruin the lines. No one wants bunchy gorilla face.
Second, give the monkey costume a rest for a year, Kyle. Everyone knows it’s you in there. Instead, get creative! There are a ton of great costumes that could incorporate a cloth or medical mask, either because it makes sense for the theme (surgeon!) or because it just makes things creepier (clown!).
Oh, look, here are some now.
• Unisex scrub top, Super Shoes, $14.99
You’re a world famous neurosurgeon who is about to enter the O.R. to save the life of the most important person on the planet. But first, you need 10 CCs of Snickers fun size chocolate bars, STAT! See, it totally works. Without the medical mask, you’re just a person in a V-neck top scarfing candy. So, literally everyone during this pandemic.
• Adult special ops officer, Spirit Halloween, $49.99
And by “adult,” we mean sexy. Costume comes with all the necessary elements, including a jumpsuit, belt, handcuffs and bracelets made of bullets, because all special ops officers have bracelets made of bullets, it’s a well-known fact. Pair with a sleek black mask and you’ll be getting hit on this Halloween. . . er, you’ll be a hit this Halloween. The pop-up shop at the Shaw’s Plaza in Auburn doesn’t have this in your size? The online store might, and it’s offering 20% off a single item, as well as a ton of different shipping discounts.
• Freakshow clown costume, Spirit Halloween, $54.99
Black and white shirt, pants and wide collar decorated with images of laughing clowns and blood splatter. Yep, blood splatter. This costume comes with a latex mask, but we say ditch it and wear some heavy eye makeup and a red cotton mask instead. It would normally be the weirdest, creepiest thing you’ve seen all year, but this is 2020, so it may just be in your top 15.
• Steampunk build-a-costume, Spencer’s Gifts, $6.99 and up
Start with the gear print-covered cloth face mask ($6.99), sell the seamlessness by applying a few matching deluxe gear face decals ($6.99) around your eyes and go from there: Tights, corset, fingerless gloves, earrings, top hat and the 1850s await!
• Mermaid Man costume, Spencer’s Gifts, $49.99 and Mermaid Man face mask, Redbubble.com, $12.49
The “Spongebob Squarepants” universe’s most famous former superhero is easy for anyone to pull off this year with its green tights and gloves, black trunks and pink slippers. Rocking a six-pack? Flex away! Um, not? No sweat, retirement’s rough — throw a bathrobe on top like he would.
• Men’s Karate Kid Cobra Kai costume, HalloweenCostumes.com, $179.99 and up
OK, we’ll get it right out of the way: This costume is a crane kick to your wallet, but it’s unbelievably cool and Karate Kid is having a moment. (Not watching “Cobra Kai” on Netflix? Do it! Bag Lady is Team Johnny, like, all day long.) Pair the black vest, pants, headband and belt with a black face mask and *wham! * Daniel LaRusso won’t know what hit him.
Best find: “X-Files” Dana Scully costume T-shirt, by calobee on Etsy, $39
You know those T-shirts that make it look like you’re wearing a tuxedo? This one is a billion times better because it makes you look like Dana Scully! It’s got her cross necklace, her FBI badge, her flashlight, her ’90s cellphone with Mulder’s name on caller ID. Pair with a medical mask and you are Scully. Oh, Etsy crafter from Maine, you are crafty indeed. Sizes range from women’s small to women’s 2X. The only problem is that Etsy is giving an ETA of early November if you have it shipped. We say it’s worth postponing Halloween for. Or wear it for Thanksgiving. It’s just that good.
Think twice: Party Pooper inflatable costume, Spirit Halloween, $49.99
There’s an inflatable costume out there that turns you into a person sitting on the toilet, pants around your ankles. There are not enough masks in the world to make this wearable. We can do better, 2020.
Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who still growl at the neighbor’s skeleton yard decoration, 10 years on) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at [email protected] and [email protected]